- “We’ve literally been making money,” admits world’s top banking woman
- Police wonder who to arrest
- Bank employees question whether they actually got paid
Anger has been rife outside every bank branch in the world, following the head honcho’s admission that just about all of the world’s money is imaginary.
In a stunning admission, the boss of all the world’s banking outlets has confirmed that 98% of the world’s money doesn’t really exist. Only 2% of all money is really real.Speaking to a packed press conference last night, the CEO of all banks ever unfurled the truth about money.
“Its time we came clean. The lie has become unsustainable. We’ve literally been making money,” confessed the tearful leader.
“It was like we had a ‘licence to print money’, only, because of the internet, we didn’t even have to hit ‘print’!.”
“How has this worked out?” asked a baffled journalist from the Times in London.
“We’re just a giant Ponzi scheme!” the monetary leader bawled.
“Computers have made it very easy for us to lend money that’s on loan to us from somewhere else,” she sobbed, “each time it gets re-loaned, we make up a number to add to our profit and type it into the computer. Then our share value rises, along with our ability to borrow more.”
“We have been refinancing financed finance for decades. Our profits go up, but not one of us ever actually produces something. Except brochures, sometimes we print some brochures to have in our stores.”
The astonishing announcement has left finance commentators red-faced for not seeing it sooner. US President Barack Obama also looked decidedly uncomfortable after the announcement and 18 presidential advisers responsible for monetary policy were fired on the spot.
WollyDong understands the president asked his staff if the revelation meant America’s GDP was a fraudulent figure. If the US removed banking and finance sectors from its GDP totals, it would fall below several Middle Eastern nations in the league table – a likely source of huge embarrassment for North America’s second-largest nation.
But it’s not just anguish for the US, with many modern nations now depending on banking as their primary tertiary industry.
The United Kingdom has reported people queuing in their thousands at every cash machine as they try to get some real money back; Greece has put its hand up and says it now understands where all its problems came from; while the Channel Island of Jersey just sank into the sea.
The world’s police are investigating the matter, though they are currently pondering who to arrest. Many governments last night rushed through a law change to dictate banks may trade only in bank notes, with the future of electronic bank transactions looking shaky.
The news has left millions of bank employees around the world “distraught and upset” as they question the validity of their salaries and bonuses.
Johnny, who wanted only to be known as ‘Johnny’, told us the bank he works for has been paying him $125,000 a year for the last three years.
“I never, ever saw a penny of it,” he exclaimed, “it was all paid electronically into my account every month. Plus bonuses. I’ll be damned if any of it was really real!”
Another, Sue, tried withdrawing her entire $106,000 salary this morning, only for the cash machine to deny the transaction.
“My salary isn’t real! It’s fake. I tried to get mine in something tangible and got denied,” she called at 3am to tell us, “these bloody banks have got some explaining to do!”
- Pope Francis deletes first tweet, dismissing it as “ridiculous”
- Coloured smoke emoticons to be added to social networking service
- Church eyes up Pontifex as contraceptives brand name
The world’s newest Catholic has taken a swipe at social network Twitter’s archiving abilities, by deleting a tweet.
The message, which was written in an odd, ancient European-looking language read “HABEMUS PAPAM FRANCISCUM” – a phrase that initially baffled boffins around the world, but eventually came out translated as “Francis has brought loo paper”.Tweeted from his Pontifex account shortly after his victory in Pope Idol earlier this year, the Argentinian had this to say of his Internet u-turn:
“I saw, like, all this smoke spewing out of that church place… And it made me start thinking about all the duties I will now have as Pope. I’ve always been quite a down-to-Earth person, never been one for flash transport or big parties in my honour.”
“Anyways, I remembered something from last year’s Vatican AGM. I’d just joined my local church and won some tickets in the raffle to go along – pretty wicked, eh? Anyway, while I was there, I found the lavvies were always out of paper.”
“So imagine when I found out I was going to live there: I had to show the world that things would be sorted under me, that paperless bogs were a thing of the past. ‘Francis has brought loo paper’ seemed simple and eloquent.” (Translation applied)
After coming down from the occasion and having a sleep or two, Franny re-read his tweet on Twitter and was revolted.
“A few days later, I took a look at it and immediately despised myself for the words,” he tweeted at WollyDong on Twitter, “it was kind-of ridiculous of me”.
“Now, people always say ‘be careful with the Internet, because once it is on there, it is on there forever’. Well, I found out that this is not true. I found there is a Delete button on Twitter and, here’s the thing, all you have to do is press it!”
The deleted tweet has been regarded by many in the Church of Internets as a two-fingered salute at the prophet Twitter, but since we don’t have any quotes to back this part up, we’ll rock on to the next part of this story now. Hopefully, you’ll still buy it?
Erm, segue, erm, emoticons are all the rage on the Internet, with many users opting to ditch letters entirely and send messages composed solely of this miniaturised Clipart 2.0.
Following the Pope’s recent election and the social media buzz it generated, Twitter’s developers are said to be rumoured to be possibly in talks about maybe adding simple smoke emoticons to the service.
This would enable breaking news agencies who choose to break their news on Twitter, to break the news cleanly and efficiently to their followers every time there is a Pope-off.
The additions would initially include only black and white smoke, though an insider told us that, if progress dictated it, they would look at including pink smoke in the future.
When asked if they were considering registering the name Pontifex for use in the contraceptives industry, the source replied “I dunno mate, I work at Twitter. Maybe ask the Catholic Church?”
So we did. On Twitter.
Going straight to the top, Pope Fran (which is our name for him – he loves it!) told us that while there are definitely no immediate plans for the church to start producing contraceptives, he says that if they ever do, Pontifex will be the name they use.
“It’s got it all: It’s ours and it would look so darn good stamped on a steel chastity belt! Move over Durex!” he tweeted to us on Twitter.
That tweet has now been deleted.
- Thousands of children’s piggy banks smashed overnight “by thugged up bailiffs”
- Children seen stashing coins in treehouses, dens, garden tee-pees and wendy houses
- Debt collectors admitted to hospital after cutting hands on glass savings banks
Cyprus last night averted a national meltdown, and some embarrassing mocking from fellow-Mediterranean country Greece, as government officials raided thousands of children’s piggy banks for desperately needed funds.
The small island state was urgently attempting to raise the €1 billion fee required for leaders of the eurozone to even consider attending a meeting – it turned to the Open Piggy Bank Resolution as a last resort.
The water had previously been tested with the adults and their grown-up banks, but the result was mass-demonstrations and a lot of anger, meaning the Cypriot government was forced to find a softer alternative.
“We figured that the children of this country are the ones who are going to benefit most from saving the economy of this country, so why shouldn’t they pay?” said Finance Minister Michalis Sarris to media.
“I mean, what would they rather have: A shiny new bike now or a job when they finish their military service?”
The raids on kids’ savings began at midnight when thousands of government-employed bailiffs in secure vehicles began patrolling the streets, knocking door to door.
Each collector wore a thug-like outfit and carried a baseball bat, though it is understood these were intended merely as an aid to smashing old-style china piggy banks.
Kostas Cornaro, a young saver aged only about 13, estimates he gave up €1,000 to help secure himself and his friends a brighter future.
“They came, all dressed in balaclavas and black clothes, into my room in the middle of the night,” he told us at WollyDong.
“But I wasn’t scared. If anything, I was delighted to be helping out. What child doesn’t want to grow up, get a job and be able to say ‘I helped all this happen when I was young’?”
Some children, however, have not taken to the forced taxation so easily. A local 15-year-old, who asked not to be named, showed us round his garden and said “I have around €300 stashed in that tyre swing over there. And in that pond there is a 3-litre soft drink bottle; that I think I crammed €200 in coppers into. Don’t tell anyone, though, please.”
Three police officers were arrested in Latsia after it was alleged they were helping kids hide coins in a local community tree-house, for a small fee.
With no money in government coffers, it is unclear how the collectors are being funded, although a source told us that ministers agreed to take a temporary 1% salary cut in order to see the resolution reach resolution.
A thick Yorkshire accent and the words “I cut me bloody hand on that last one. And all for only five Euro, too!” were all we heard when we approached one collector.
Nicosia General Hospital has reported treating a number of collectors with wounds sustained from the smash ‘n’ grab policy. None were serious.
British Prime Minister David Cameron praised the extensive efforts by Cyprus to stay on track.
“This is swift and appropriate action, I am impressed,” he said from his March holiday with his family in Hawaii, “any member of society squireling away too much money only keeps it from those who deserve it most.”
“I’ve said it time and time again: We’re all in this together.”
Is Lord Monckton Sacha Baron Cohen? – It was the Aussies who first worked it out – a comedian by the name of Craig Reucassel, in fact; who isn’t an Aussie, in fact, but he does live there.
For several decades, Christopher Monckton, 3rd Viscount Monckton of Brenchley, had had many Britons scratching their heads in bemusement – was this bizarre caricature of an ageing human the real deal? And where the heck even is Brenchley?
Reucassel was cooking chips at home one night when he hit upon the answer.
It certainly bloody seems so.With his officially-declared unofficial-Lord status, Christopher Monckton, 3rd Viscount Monckton of Brenchley, was the baffle of Britain for many years. The minority of the population who had heard of him often spent their lives in a crazed-daze, struggling to comprehend what this “strange fella was all about”.
Such was the confusion that a survey carried out in Sheffield in 1995 found that 57% of shoppers thought that Viscount was short for “Very good discount”; 30% thought it was a special type of black knight (from the Middle Ages); while the remainder just gazed longingly at the surveyor and fondly remembered the chocolate biscuits by the same name.
Chris didn’t let it foil him however, and continued on his personal outspoken debacle of life.
2011 came and Australian comedian Craig Reucassel was deep frying some potatoes one night, turning them into chips. For no particular reason he was mulling over in his head the idea of Lord Monckton, presumably considering what an oddity to the planet such a conception was.
Suddenly, a sputter of fat jumped from the pan and onto the TV-star’s arm, heavily scolding him. It hurt (unchecked fact).
Following treatment with ice, the wound was revealed to display what looked like the face of Ali G, a character from the Sacha Baron Cohen stable. It now all made sense to Reucassel and, on seeing that the character of Monckton was soon to be heading downunder, he jumped at the opportunity to interview him and be the first to unmask the skeptical superhero.
Watch the interview that resulted here:
How many ants are on earth? – Want to know how many of the ants are on the earth?
So did Dr. Michael Strange, who, in 1976, set about trying to estimate this number.
He dedicated his life’s work to finding the answer of the ants, a discovery that brought him much attention prior to its publication.
Michael Strange first became obsessed with ants when he was 14 after he received his first magnifying glass for Christmas. No summer evening was ever the same for Michael, nor the ants, as he would happily spend every opportunity blasting them to pieces with the scale-force of several nuclear bombs (US ones, not North Korean).
Many years passed and Michael completed his first paper on ants – The Destruction Of Ants Using A Magnifying Glass – which earned him a Masters Degree from Stanford and a few other fake Internet degrees as well. He also received a pat on the back from his father who didn’t really understand what had happened.
One PhD paper later and Dr. Strange believed he knew everything there was to know about ants, except for one thing: how many of them are on earth?
The rest of his life was dedicated to answering this big question; this probleme-grande; this query-massimo.
Dr. Strange understood that counting every ant seen on the earth was not a realistic proposal; though it did take funding rejections from numerous universities for him to truly understand this.
Eventually he came up with a revolutionary, but seen before, sampling method. This involved observing a set number of ants, noting their characteristics and then up-sampling the ratios to match the earth’s numbers. Otherwise known as counting the ants.
Strange initially planned to observe the ants for three months, but stopped short after one. The evidence was so overwhelming that he had to rush the paper’s publication.
The science world gathered round, excited to hear of the great Dr. Michael Strange’s learnings. The build up was intense. In the few days prior to the paper’s release, Time Magazine ran an exposé in which it hinted Strange could go down as the world’s sexiest scientist. Everybody was excited.
What followed, however, was one of the world’s greatest recorded let downs. Although Strange had done the work and had indeed confirmed how many of the ants were on earth, the public were astonished at how the answer had been staring at them all along; El Publico felt very, very stupid indeed.
The number of ants on the earth at any one time is equal to all of them.
During his data collection, Dr. Strange had noticed that ants can’t fly and ants can’t jump. They are bound to the earth, meaning that they are all on the earth, always.
The world’s public quickly lost interest in the non-Nobel prize winner, who lived out the rest of his life in relative obscurity. In 1999, he received the posthumous award ‘Dead Scientist of the Year’ from Loaded Magazine.
The Higgs Bosom – Not to be confused with the recently discovered Higgs Boson, the Higgs Bosom has been around a fair while longer.
Or not, depending on whether or not you’re talking about the 2012 (99.99% certain) discovery of the Higgs Boson or the actual coming of the Higgs Boson into existence.
You see, the Higgs Bosom is a yoga stretch, invented by an American lady in the 1930s.
The Higgs Bosom is the world’s only two-person yoga move.
Helena Iggs was born to Josephine and Hendrick Iggs in California in 1908. A keen student of yoga, Iggs had mastered every manoeuvre of the ancient Indian discipline by the age of 19.
By 1930, she had moved into yoga instruction and owned several branches of her own yoga school “Higgs Yoga Inc.”, taking her first initial and her surname to make the word ‘Higgs’.
The school employed several highly qualified instructors, meaning that Iggs could live an awesome life of luxury, choosing to potter about at classes as she saw fit, turn up unannounced, and generally act the celebrity at the top of her own business.
To put it bluntly: She was a bit of an arrogant bint.
It was during one of her random visits at random that Helena Iggs first met Percy. Percy Philip Lancaster was a 31 year-old, office worker and keen yoga-ite. He had enrolled in a 12 week programme at her Delano branch and that’s where he was, stretching hard in class when he first caught Iggs’ eye.
Being a lady who knew what she wanted and when she wanted it, she approached Percy and offered him some “private tuition”, free of charge right after class; a somewhat bold move for a lady in the early 1930s, but Percy liked Helena’s power, so he accepted.
It was during this first evening of “extra tuition”, Helena Iggs invented the Higgs Bosom. Pretty much by accident.
It is not a move that is particularly easy to imagine, so writing it down isn’t going to come easily. Please bear with us.
Beginning flat on her back, Iggs rolled onto her side, with her lower arm outstretched on the floor; the upper arm pointing straight upwards and her legs dead straight. Percy then repeated the position opposite her, with his legs pointing in the opposite direction.
“It was kind of like a longer, sideways ’69 position, only yoga” Iggs told Jay Leno one time.
Once in position, the pair then began to stretch. The stretch of the original Higgs Bosom involved Iggs poking out her chest towards Lancaster’s face. He in turn then stretched his neck muscles in an attempt to reach her breasts with his face. They then retracted simultaneously.
The pair joked about calling the manoeuvre “The Higgs Bosom”, but the name soon stuck and became its official name. Helena soon instructed her tutors to begin teaching the move across all schools.
The health benefits of the Higgs Bosom have never been accurately measured. An always defiant Iggs has spent her life championing the move, claiming it to add “20-23 years to one’s life expectancy”, though this has never been proven.
Percy and Helena became an item after that first experimental evening and remain married to this day.
In the couple’s usual breaking with the norm, Percy took Helena’s surname after wedlock, making him the only Percy P Iggs alive on record.
Why are engineers arrogant? – a query held up by many, particularly after the engineers’ uprising of the 1980s.
In fact, the stereotyping of an engineer as arrogant has long been banned by governments worldwide.
In the US today, referring to an engineer as arrogant can see one face a fine of hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars or even spend a night in a prison cell.
First and foremost, for legal reasons, engineers are not arrogant.
If this article were to refer to engineers as arrogant, we could be liable for a massive fine and possible foreclosure.
Now that we have our asses covered on that one, let’s look into why these engineering types are often referred to as arrogant:
1. Engineers are good in bed
The engineers rebranding exercise of the early 1980s appeared to use propaganda to persuade the public that all engineers were model citizens in bed.
It is likely that many engineers, not to mention their families, began swallowing their own pill, believing their own hype and their own picture of massive self-worth; all factors that can breed gross arrogance.
2. Engineers build big things
Have you ever seen a bus driver stand, smiling, admiring a bridge as if he built it himself? If so, did the bus driver tell you he built it himself? Maybe, if he was a madman!
Bus drivers don’t build bridges, they drive buses! Engineers build bridges and some of these bridges are really quite amazing. Heck, I’d be an arrogant ass wipe if I’d built some of those great bridges you see around the world. Would you not?
3. Engineers can defy Gods
Not much is known about the God defying abilities of the engineering profession, but it is popularly understood that engineers gain these special powers on their graduation day.
Talking about one’s powers as an engineer is strictly forbidden; doing so leads to the loss of these powers, indefinite expulsion from the Engineers Faction and 50 lashes from a slide-rule.
Powers vary from engineer to engineer, but doctors have noted extremely high-powered urethral sphincters in some individuals, while others have reported odourless poop.
The ban on arrogance labelling
Referring to engineers as arrogant is banned in 193 of the world’s countries, with the final two, Jamaica and Papua New Guinea, due to pass legislation later this year.
The law essentially inhibits any citizen from referring to all or a group of engineers in any negative sense.
Positive stereotyping, on the other hand, is actively encouraged and barely a day passes without the world’s media publishing some mammoth success story about a rookie engineer succeeding in defying the odds someplace.
Engineer marriages work as popular material inside women’s magazines, while recent TV talent show statistics show that audiences are less likely to vote engineers off the programme than they are any other occupation.
Perhaps the most arrogant, not to mention controversial, piece of engineer propaganda to occur in recent years was a television commercial for soft drink Joker Cola.
The commercial bore the slogan “Engineers don’t go to heaven; engineers made heaven!”
Socialism is a popular European and Eastern form of government whereby the aim is to produce a society where equality amongst all people is achieved. Not seen as extreme or controlled as communism but still practised in many forms from Sweden through to Russia. Of course, the concept really isn’t something to be too scared of but it seems that Americans are absolutely terrified of the word.
The belief that Americans are petrified of socialism is actually a small mistake and one that has yet to be fully rectified even in this day and age of global communication. Much of the problem exists because Americans often can’t even discuss the word without rage, crying or threats entering the equation.
Like many long standing problems it all started with a mistake, pure and simple.
In 1933 Dr. K. Lennimarx, a American author of Russian descent was about to publish the third and most anticipated of his Horror novel Series “The social dentist”. By todays standards the tale, of a dentist who fixed patients teeth by day and then stalked the very same people pulling teeth from their jaws with his incredibly strong thumb and forefinger, was like comparing a merry-go-round to the 6 Flag’s scariest roller coaster.
America was hooked on the series and in many ways it was the forefather to many successful franchises we see today.
Lennimarx was a pioneer in more ways than one and he wanted his book to be available at an affordable cost to every American who wanted a copy. Printing, at the time, was not cheap and books were expensive so he was working with engineers to design a typesetting and print press set-up cabable of bringing downs the costs to less than a penny per book.
The device that he came up with, although not electronic, was seen as a very advanced computer system reminiscent of a huge Mecano set that had every piece bolted together in a random order. Cogs and wheels worked to make any adjustments, prepare print plates and produce fully bound books ready to be shipped out to every store in the country.
The machine was a masterpiece and its creators, the publisher and the good Dr all had their faith in the fact that they were changing the world of publishing and the world at large.
The publicists, John Lynards of London, had also been working hard on the project and in light of their work wanted some credit in the opening pages of the book. A simple task for the machine to add the words “Thanks to our publicist John Lynards of London” along with some contact details.
The changes were made, wheels set in motion and everyone took a few weeks off whilst the machine whirred and filled the warehouse with millions of copies of the world changing horror masterpiece.
The books shipped and flew off the shelves about as fast as they arrived. America was scared and the book was a success.
Now, it took two days before the first reports were returned that there was something wrong with the books title. Maybe a cog or two slipped and the words “Thanks to our publicist” now read “Thanks to our public”. The missing “ist” had managed to make its way onto the books title, so it read “The Social Dentist”.
The damage was done and, forever onwards, beyond memory of the book, America was primed to be fearful of the word Socialist.
Removing Dress One By One – A popular, but discreet company set up in the late 70s to assist with the removal of dresses.
The company was the brainchild of paramedic-come-entrepreneur Ranglish Dufor who had noticed an increasing number of women getting stuck in ball gowns and dresses.
He wanted to help them out.
Ranglish Dufor was no cheese pigeon. Having won South London Paramedic of the Year six times, he knew what he was talking about when it came to driving an ambulance around the place and either saving people, or picking them up and taking them to hospital.
Around 1976 Dufor noticed an increase in the number of call outs by women who had gotten themselves stuck in some kind of clothing item and needed urgent assistance to remove it.
He put a lot of the garment entrapments down to increased consumption of a product called ‘Boob Glue’. In an effort to slip into some of the tiniest dresses on the market, women were using the product, along with cheap alternatives, to glue parts of themselves “out of the way”.
Dufor’s experiences had told him there were roughly two types of gluer: The liberalist, who would literally smother themselves with Boob Glue to hold their vitals out of the way and allow an easy-on of the dress; and the contortionist, who would use only small amounts of Boob Glue, but would manage to position their vitals in the most unimaginable of places in order to fit the dress.
Liberalists would often find themselves stuck in a dress due to the sheer amount of glue they had used; contortionists, on the other hand, would find the garments would become stuck due to the odd and unusual placement of their curves.
Dufor hated any type of stuck garment call-out. Imagine it: It’s 3am, your partner and you are stuck on a ghastly nightshift, you’ve already scooped 35 drunken lads up off the pavement, you’re hungry and all you want to do is go home and rest. Next thing you know you’re called to go and help some broad remove her clothing!
Life doesn’t get much worse than that!
Despite his distaste for the job, Dufor felt that there was probably some good money in setting up a discreet, private service for the women.
Add to this the fact the government were getting sick and tired of the cost of Boob Glue mishaps to the British health service. To try and counter the costs, the government began making small subsidised payments to private operators who were able to help.
This was all the encouragement the prime paramedic needed and on February 14th 1978 ‘Removing Dress One By One’ was launched.
Valentine’s Day was chosen as it’s the single most popular day for Boob Glue consumption and mishaps.
To this day Ranglish Dufor is still trading. His marketing and contact methods have remained on a word-of-mouth basis, but it is estimated the company frees some 18,000 British women every year.
Some television conspiracy theorists have postulated that Dufor’s business model was the guiding principle behind popular 80s television show The A-Team. Some have gone so far as to say that the exploits of BA et al were metaphoric of Dufor’s business model.
Have you ever used Removing Dress One By One to de-robe? What was your experience like? Did it put you off using Boob Glue?
Multiresolution adaptive and progressive gradient-based color-image segmentation – put simply, is the name of the first colour office printer at CERN.
When the nuclear research facility took delivery of its first colour printer in 1991, they held an office raffle to determine what the printer would be named on the network.
Multiresolution adaptive and progressive gradient-based color-image segmentation, or multiresolution adaptive and progressive segmentation for short, was the winning name.
The year is 1991 and an excited bunch of scientists working in particle research at CERN have just taken delivery of their first colour printer.
A bunch of them are gathered round the box, eager to get their hands on the bubble wrap and go truly bonkers with it.
After the plastic protection wrap was expended, the scientists began the laborious, not to mention boring, task of setting up and installing the printer on the institute’s network.
A small tussle had earlier broken out over the plastic film, but that was nothing over the fight that occurred when it came to naming the printer on the network.
One French scientist, Professor Francois Le Twitre, wanted to name it after his workhorse of a wife Cherise; English physics legend Dr. Barry Bulschwane wanted to name it after his great great great great great great great uncle Sir Isaac Newton (thwarted by the printer naming conditions not allowing double-vowels); an unnamed Swedish employee also suggested Ikea (Swedish for “I like packaging”) as a name, but this was quickly frowned upon due to the potential of legal action from the then emerging furniture store.
After much squabbling amongst the scientists, the office manager, who went by the name of Kylie Butcher, stepped in and told them all there shall be a raffle to name the new-fangled colour printing machine. All staff were invited to take part, provided they paid the 5₣ entrance fee.
The raffle proved extremely popular, with more scientists taking part than the average attendance at Friday drinks.
Hector Higgs, a janitor at the research facility, won the raffle by unanimous ticket-draw out of a beret.
His chosen name “Adaptive and progressive gradient-based color-image segmentation” was accepted by the system, although Ms Butcher opted to add “Multiresolution” to the name after reading the manual and finding herself enthralled by the capabilities of the mark one colour dot matrix.
CERN used the raffle proceeds to purchase a second office printer. Both pieces of equipment have been publicly credited for their role in the centre’s major discoveries.
Today, CERN owns and operates more than 3 colour laser printers, all capable of printing on A4 and A3 paper, colour-copying and scan-emailing.
Have you ever held an office raffle? How did it go? Tell us your story below!