98% of world’s money doesn’t really exist, admit banks

- “We’ve literally been making money,” admits world’s top banking woman
- Police wonder who to arrest
- Bank employees question whether they actually got paid

Anger has been rife outside every bank branch in the world, following the head honcho’s admission that just about all of the world’s money is imaginary.

98% of world’s money doesn’t really exist

In a stunning admission, the boss of all the world’s banking outlets has confirmed that 98% of the world’s money doesn’t really exist. Only 2% of all money is really real.

world's money doesn't really exist

98% of the world’s money doesn’t really exist, confirmed banks last night

Speaking to a packed press conference last night, the CEO of all banks ever unfurled the truth about money.

“Its time we came clean. The lie has become unsustainable. We’ve literally been making money,” confessed the tearful leader.

“It was like we had a ‘licence to print money’, only, because of the internet, we didn’t even have to hit ‘print’!.”

“How has this worked out?” asked a baffled journalist from the Times in London.

“We’re just a giant Ponzi scheme!” the monetary leader bawled.

“Computers have made it very easy for us to lend money that’s on loan to us from somewhere else,” she sobbed, “each time it gets re-loaned, we make up a number to add to our profit and type it into the computer. Then our share value rises, along with our ability to borrow more.”

“We have been refinancing financed finance for decades. Our profits go up, but not one of us ever actually produces something. Except brochures, sometimes we print some brochures to have in our stores.”

The astonishing announcement has left finance commentators red-faced for not seeing it sooner. US President Barack Obama also looked decidedly uncomfortable after the announcement and 18 presidential advisers responsible for monetary policy were fired on the spot.

WollyDong understands the president asked his staff if the revelation meant America’s GDP was a fraudulent figure. If the US removed banking and finance sectors from its GDP totals, it would fall below several Middle Eastern nations in the league table – a likely source of huge embarrassment for North America’s second-largest nation.

But it’s not just anguish for the US, with many modern nations now depending on banking as their primary tertiary industry.

The United Kingdom has reported people queuing in their thousands at every cash machine as they try to get some real money back; Greece has put its hand up and says it now understands where all its problems came from; while the Channel Island of Jersey just sank into the sea.

The world’s police are investigating the matter, though they are currently pondering who to arrest. Many governments last night rushed through a law change to dictate banks may trade only in bank notes, with the future of electronic bank transactions looking shaky.

The news has left millions of bank employees around the world “distraught and upset” as they question the validity of their salaries and bonuses.

Johnny, who wanted only to be known as ‘Johnny’, told us the bank he works for has been paying him $125,000 a year for the last three years.

“I never, ever saw a penny of it,” he exclaimed, “it was all paid electronically into my account every month. Plus bonuses. I’ll be damned if any of it was really real!”

Another, Sue, tried withdrawing her entire $106,000 salary this morning, only for the cash machine to deny the transaction.

“My salary isn’t real! It’s fake. I tried to get mine in something tangible and got denied,” she called at 3am to tell us, “these bloody banks have got some explaining to do!”

Author: The Wolly Don on April 2, 2013
Category: B, M
Tags: , , ,

Leave a Reply

Last articles