So the concept…. An Offset Patio Umbrella is opened by way of a lever or button and then the inner workings of this marvelous machine use particle physics to displace the patio and move grass into place. Thus solving the problem of having a small garden space in crowded urban areas.

The conception of this wonderful device was by a man of little stature who lived in a Kenyan Tribe. After Umba Umba Umba (His stagename) was brought over to mainlain Spain in 1937, to perform in circus side shows, he learned Spanish and was able to put his concept into realization. His original concept used a putrid mix of blessed animal guts to conjure a displacement. A man standing on solid Earth could suddenly be hiding in thick grass. This was intended to aid hunting. Of course the idea was laughed off and mostly forgotten, until a US Army General (name cannot be sourced) was believed to have found it whilst researching his hobby of European folklore. Intrigued by the idea and recently fresh of reading Stephen Hawkin’s “A Brief History of Time” the general believed the project was simply conceived a few years ahead of its time. He took it to his Superior’s and weeks later the Offset Patio Umbrella (Code Name, Project Offset) began.

Project Offset was quickly changed and the Military wanted to use the technology to displace the ground from underneath enemy solidiers, replacing it with quicksand, or lava.

Project Offset was then publicly returned to it’s original idea and is believed to still be in development. It is said that it will be used to give soldiers in harsh climates the chance to relax on good wholesome American lawns. One side effect of the technology is that in order for an area to be filled with lush green grass, and area of lush green grass must be filled with the patio or solid ground. Many conspiracy theorists believe that their dry lawns are victims of Project Offset.

As with most military technology it is unlikely that a marketable version of this device will be around for at least 30 years. In the mean time a much simpler product bearing the same name “Offset Patio Umbrellas” have become available on the market, so it’s likely a new name will need to be found.

Ohio Crank featured all the hall marks of a regular crank with an additional friendly smile and kid friendly attitude. Said by the designer, Paul Wells, to represent the tough working times of the Ohio workers of years past the Crank image was actually rejected by the local press so didn’t get much mainstream attention. In fact this also marked the first time that an Ohio newspaper had used an established profanity on it’s front page when the Ohio Green Hills Press ran with the headline “New State Mascot, What A Crock Of Sh*t”.

The weird thing about Ohio Crank is that it was never officially shelved. This means that even until today “Ohio Crank” is still the official state mascot even though all images and record of him are belived to have been destroyed.

It’s about time for an Ohio Crank revival, don’t you think?