We answer both those questions, plus take a look at some case studies of recent Google Penguin victims.

How do I recover from Google Penguin?

You’re just home from work, there’s water on your front steps and last night’s anchovy pizza has been polished off. This or similar circumstances probably mean you’ve been a victim of the dreaded Penguin.

Bred in Hamilton Zoo, New Zealand in 1986, the Google Penguin is a unique type of penguin.

Standing at 4 metres high, its head is comparable in size to a Cozy Coupe car by Little Tikes. Its shriek is shrill, similar to the sound of a tsunami warning siren attempting to perform Michael Jackson’s ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’ acapella.

Another interesting point to note about the penguin is its colour: It has more than one. The very tip of the penguin’s head is blue, with the lower half red. Further down its neck, the colour is yellow, before its shoulders return the sequence to blue. Witnesses have told how it is quite a frightening penguin to run in to, especially late at night and even more so under bright neon lights.

Aside from leaving one’s steps slippery and eating up leftovers, the main result of a visit from the Google Penguin is a slump in one’s ranking on the World’s largest search engine and a resultant fall in traffic.

Don’t have a website to lose traffic on? In this case, a visit from the penguin will affect the website of your nearest neighbour.

How to recover after a visit from the Google Penguin?

Like most things in life, there is no better recipe for recovery than time. Let minutes, months and years heal your woes.

Obviously, along with time, a good clean up is recommended. Use a mop to dry the steps. Those without a mop may benefit from reading the book Mopping For Those Without A Mop.

If the penguin has left anchovy pizza everywhere, then give the floor a good wipe too. Use an antibacterial spray to scrub it clean. This will ensure a speedy recovery.

Website-wise, common advice out there includes shutting your website down and starting a new one. A simple shift of domain from your domain.com to yourdomain1.com is sufficient to constitute starting over. Your customers will hardly know the difference!

Another option is to continue as-is and just build up again. But that can be quite depression-inducing.

Obviously, if you have no website, simply deny you had a visit from the penguin and go about your daily business as normal so not to draw attention to yourself.

There is currently no confirmed preventative measures you can take against a guest appearance from ol’ pengy. In early 2012, however, a Christopher Robinson in Surrey, England found that leaving a glass of stale dandelion and burdock on one’s doorstep can act as a penguin deterrent.

He discovered this after a local penguin breeder suffered a breakout and lost several newborns. Robinson found that, with a glass out the front of his house, none of the escaped penguins came near his house, despite the fact he lived less than 80 miles from the breeder’s house.

Have you suffered a visit from the Google Penguin? Have you discovered a deterrent? Share your advice below!

As scientists studied the moss-coloured mush, however, they realised there was more to the colour of poop than they first thought.

Why does poop turn green?

As Professor Ron Maecefaker watched the world’s first laboratory grown poop take shape in the petri-dish, he realised there was a lot of paperwork to follow his growth.

No one had grown poo before. We’ll re-phrase that: No one had grown poo outside of the body before.

Maecefaker had wanted to study excrement his entire life. His parents recall gleefully his many encounters with the stuff as a child. His future was cemented by his willingness to explore his own nappies growing up.

Laughed out of the careers advice room, Maecefaker studied hard to become a doctor. Upon graduation, he created the Poop Architecture Research Project (PARP) with the aim of finding out everything there is to know about the world’s favourite taboo.

PARP’s first theory established that the smell of poop has nothing to do with the types of food eaten prior to the poop taking place. What Maecefaker’s PARP realised was that poop stench was more inclined to follow the memory of a person. More precisely: The smells in the person’s memory.

It was 1989, three years and four months since the first green poop sighting and PARP were working hard on poop colour research. The work required that PARP grow their own poop, and attempt to control its colour in the growth process.

No matter how hard Professor Maecefaker tried, his poop would consistently grow in gold. He could not grow another colour, not even the more traditional brown. His assistant, Dr. Anna Condaguts, tried, and could only grow her poop in red. Sportscar red.

After allowing a third person to grow their own poop, a student doctor named Kim Tharim, PARP stumbled upon its answer: Coloured poop was determined by the creator’s choice in automobile colour.

Professor Maecefaker drove a gold Ford Cortina, Dr. Condaguts a red Porsche 944 and the intern walked to work, hence his poop just came out regular brown.

The study blew the poop-world apart, sending shockwaves around the globe.

To this day, most poop is still brown, the way it’s always been, but on occasions when poop comes out coloured or changes colour, the colour is determined by the car colour of the creator.

Our advice for those concerned about the colour of their poop is to see a doctor and ensure you have a sensible car colour.

Have you ever suffered from green poop? Yellow poop? Red poop? Blue poop? Tell us your story below.

Pop Goes The Forth was a popular pre first world war game that basically involved young boys torturing each other. A gang of youths would pick a poor victim and wrestle him to the ground and proceed to chant “Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop” until they heated up into a frenzy. Then the leader of the pack would proceed to pull each limb of the pinned boy in an attempt to pop the joints. This would carry on until the fourth joint was cracked at which point the gang would shout in unison….

POP GOES THE FOURTH!

Then everyone would scatter in different directions leaving the victim to gather his stuff and get over the torture.

The game became so popular that In 1902  the committee for Salem Schools and Recreation in Massachusetts, USA petitioned for the game to be put into the physical education curriculum in New England schools. Believed by many adults to be a great way to toughen up a nancy boy, 38 other states followed the move and it was part of the curriculum of many years to come.

The game was banned finally in June 1913. A 9 year old victim named John Orvis Pastel had come home from his Wisconsin school with a broken neck, after a gang of youths had attempted a fith pop on his head. The schools principle had accused him of overreacting and he had to hold his head straight for the entire day. That evening Mrs Pastel marched 45 mothers to the town hall and sparked a media frenzy causing thousands of worried mothers to take their aprons and rolling pins to the streets. The ban on the game nationwide was placed within days.

Poo Off, off poo, cleans the poo, so you dont have to!

For much of the 1920s, it seemed that life was made for the board of Poo Off. The product was a best seller in 34 countries around the world, the company was rated top ten on the World Exchange and housewives were regularly shown on the evening news, travelling in their drones to get their hands on a bottle.

The dream ended all a bit suddenly on August 1st 1928 as Dr. Morgan Riley revealed some disturbing test results on the products. He discovered Poo Off to contain Arsenic (92%), Cadmium (5%) and water (2%). He read it on the label.

The remaining 1% was later exposed to be the gap of air found between the top of the fluid and the cap.

It was all over for Poo Off and the empire came crumbling down overnight, with several immediate lawsuits crippling the company, resulting in a bankruptcy that is still being paid for by today’s public.