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What happens if you don’t poop when you need to?

What happens if you don’t poop when you need to? – A bloody good question, mate!

The truth is, any one of 19 things can happen if you fail to drop logs when your body requests you to. Some people find it enables them to see dead people, while others find it can turn the opaque (white part) of their eyes yellow.

There are even some cases where people have suffered as a result of close friends and relatives failing to pass stools when asked to. We’ll address this later in our explanation.

So, what happens if you don’t number 2 when you need to?

The first scientific concept you must understand here is that of ‘matter’: Why does it matter?

It can matter because stools are stuff, they are physical and real, and have to go somewhere, right? Not passing them on when it is their time to go can be like filling a mine with water and not allowing the water to run off anywhere. What do you get? Right! A flooded mine.

Using this flooded mine analogy, we can see that hoarding one’s turds can only be bad for business.

So, what are these 19 things that can happen?

To be honest, although we said 19 at the start, you can disregard the first three as myth. They aren’t complete bollocks, but they’re definitely not worth worrying about. Much. (Disclaimer: If your fingertips begin to turn green, you should definitely see a doctor. Not your doctor, just a doctor.)

The second two are pretty serious. If these happen to you, it’s straight to the emergency department, no questions. Limbs can be reattached fairly easily these days, so get there nice and quick. Take ice.

The sixth issue you might experience, oddly enough, given the title of that movie, involves being able to see dead people. While this sounds cool on the face of it, many a naive fool has purposefully brought this sense on, before realising actually how bloody freaky it is. Many come close to suicide, before realising that it’s just a simple poo they require to lose the power.

Issue number seven is a relatively quiet one in that it simply puts the non-pooer to sleep. For up to ten years. Sleepers wake to find themselves believing in an entirely different life to the one they fell asleep to. This often leads to much disappointment upon awakening as sufferers of this issue are usually losers.

It should be noted at this point the very few sufferers will suffer the entire set. Serial collectors have been known to try, but very few have ever succeeded. Should you succeed, you must write to the Guinness Book Of Records immediately.

The eighth and ninth woes usually co-occur. Stomach cramps will force the victim to the floor, where he’ll wince in pain and wish he wasn’t writhing around on the floor like a complete trog.

As the wishes grow stronger, the poo-keeper will lose the ability to speak properly, finding their vocal chords to barely manage to mimic the sound of a barking dog.

Known as the barking dog effect, here issues usually wear off once the doggy imitator has been taken for a walk and done a little poo in the long grass.

Problems ten, eleven and twelve can be ignored. They only affect 20% of the population, so, being a minority, we didn’t get the funding to write about them.

Thirteen, unlucky for some is “ye olde yellow eye”. Within seconds of you ignoring one of nature’s most basic of urges, the opaque (white bit) of your eyes will begin to tinge yellow. At this point you must ward anyone else in the room off: the yellowing is contagious. You mustn’t even see a doctor while this is going on, since a doctor with yellow eye only results in lots of patients also with yellow eye. Get rid of it yourself.

The next problem that is likely to occur, if you ignore your vital signs, is more of an issue for those around you. Few people are aware of the body’s telekinetic abilities, especially since these are ancient powers that modern man has opted to give up so that he may live a more respectful and honest life with others.

Telekinesis, the movement of objects using the mind, is still practiced by certain parts of the human body, particularly the bowels. These wondrous little instruments of mischief have the ability to lodge a log in any other bowels they choose. And they will.

The minute they get sick of holding a piece of poo, they try to chuck it somewhere else; pretend it doesn’t it exist. Just like you or I would.

Potential problem number 15, then. Oh my gosh, this is a bad one! It…

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And that is why you should never dress in fur on a Sunday.

Have you had any of these problems after not pooping when asked to? Are you regular? Would you share your stool story, poo pun or arse anecdote below? Thought not.

By The Wolly Don on July 3, 2012 | P, W | A comment?
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Why engineers are good in bed

Why engineers are good in bed – is an age-old belief, said to be linked more to the actions of a PR company and a wannabe model in the 1980s, than any one case study.

Engineers are said to have an impeccable conduct record inside the covers of a bed. Once in a bed, engineers curl up, sleep and will not be heard to snore even once throughout the night.

The reasons for this are still up for discussion between academics, although tiredness and workload have been mooted as a generally acceptable reason for this.

Just why are engineers so good in bed?

In the beginning there were no beds. Although impossible to imagine, early human beings slept on damp, cold, stoney cave floors. Before the first engineer discovered fire, and the second engineer discovered how to store fire, for use at a later date, our ancestors would sleep warmth-less, listening to the sound of dripping water nearby.

The fact there was no such thing as a bed is only fortunate, since the introduction of a Queen size into the pack at this stage in our evolution would have only resulted in numerous jealous scraps.

One thing that is known about this early man is that they were very respectful of engineers’ inventions. Every time the engineers would invent something new, the common primitive man would hold aloft the new item and proclaim it “a miracle”.

Sacrifice of the engineer would usually follow.

The sacrificial ritual would usually bear some relation to the engineering breakthrough: Fire discoveries would see the engineer torched to death; tool inventions would follow with a deadly implementation of said tool; even the lady who invented the wheel found herself strapped to one and rolled several hundred miles out of town and into a swamp.

These miracle-worshipping terminations continued as recently as 1987.

It was late 1986 when the World Engineers’ Council decided enough was enough. Everybody seemed to have equal rights, save engineers. The world now housed enough evidence to disprove the existence of a god and miracles, and the engineers wanted to start receiving some respect and gratitude for all the modernities they had bestowed humanity.

They set about a plan, called Operation Save Face, in which they began the slow, gruelling process of improving the public opinion of engineers.

A worldwide PR company was drafted in and they began the difficult task of making engineers look half-decent to a suspicious general public. The odds were tough. In Britain alone, 43% had believed World War II had been fought solely against engineers. Likewise, Ku Klux Klan membership soared in the US throughout the 1970s, after one newspaper report falsely labelled engineers as the “enemy of the cause”.

The PR agents began fighting back with force. Rumours and good engineering news stories entered the media like they weren’t no thang.

“Engineers saved my cat” screamed one newspaper’s headline. It went on: “Engineers ARE qualified, confirms top grad-school”, “Engineers gave us the world” and “Spare an engineer, shop a murderer” all featured front-page in popular publications around he world.

The tide began to turn. US state after state started banning the execution of engineers following half-decent inventions. The United Kingdom outlawed engineers’ sacrifice entirely in June 1988. The outlawing spread through most of the world*.

Then came Helena Aspen, aspiring model and known socialite. In one magazine interview, Aspen came out claiming she’d been to bed with “at least 75 engineers” in her time and their behaviour had been “wonderful”.

“Not once did one of them lay his hands on me inappropriately. They were all perfect gentlemen; the sleep was amazing,” Aspen said of her co-bedders.

To this day, no connection between Aspen and the PR company has ever been proved, leading observers to qualify the much-believed rumours about engineers and their bedding skills as fact.

Have you got an engineer in bed story? Have you ever been kept awake by one?

* New Zealand still permits some engineer executions in pertinent cases.

By The Wolly Don on June 24, 2012 | E, W | 4 comments
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Why does poop turn green?

Why does poop turn green? – An issue that has stumped mankind since 1986, the year that faeces first turned green.

Initially, the changing diet of humans was blamed for the emerald-like excrement, an obviously place to blame in the first instance.

As scientists studied the moss-coloured mush, however, they realised there was more to the colour of poop than they first thought.

Why does poop turn green?

As Professor Ron Maecefaker watched the world’s first laboratory grown poop take shape in the petri-dish, he realised there was a lot of paperwork to follow his growth.

No one had grown poo before. We’ll re-phrase that: No one had grown poo outside of the body before.

Maecefaker had wanted to study excrement his entire life. His parents recall gleefully his many encounters with the stuff as a child. His future was cemented by his willingness to explore his own nappies growing up.

Laughed out of the careers advice room, Maecefaker studied hard to become a doctor. Upon graduation, he created the Poop Architecture Research Project (PARP) with the aim of finding out everything there is to know about the world’s favourite taboo.

PARP’s first theory established that the smell of poop has nothing to do with the types of food eaten prior to the poop taking place. What Maecefaker’s PARP realised was that poop stench was more inclined to follow the memory of a person. More precisely: The smells in the person’s memory.

It was 1989, three years and four months since the first green poop sighting and PARP were working hard on poop colour research. The work required that PARP grow their own poop, and attempt to control its colour in the growth process.

No matter how hard Professor Maecefaker tried, his poop would consistently grow in gold. He could not grow another colour, not even the more traditional brown. His assistant, Dr. Anna Condaguts, tried, and could only grow her poop in red. Sportscar red.

After allowing a third person to grow their own poop, a student doctor named Kim Tharim, PARP stumbled upon its answer: Coloured poop was determined by the creator’s choice in automobile colour.

Professor Maecefaker drove a gold Ford Cortina, Dr. Condaguts a red Porsche 944 and the intern walked to work, hence his poop just came out regular brown.

The study blew the poop-world apart, sending shockwaves around the globe.

To this day, most poop is still brown, the way it’s always been, but on occasions when poop comes out coloured or changes colour, the colour is determined by the car colour of the creator.

Our advice for those concerned about the colour of their poop is to see a doctor and ensure you have a sensible car colour.

Have you ever suffered from green poop? Yellow poop? Red poop? Blue poop? Tell us your story below.

By The Wolly Don on April 14, 2012 | P, W | A comment?
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Why is my snot red?

Why is my snot red? – used to be a question asked by people suffering from Rudo’s Disease.

However, a 1991 study found that only around 0.003% of those asking why their snot is red are sufferers of Rudo’s disease (which gets its name from that bloody reindeer song!).

A number of studies have now concluded that there are an additional three or four reasons why one’s snot may appear bright red.

Why is my snot red?

It is generally well accepted now that Rudo’s Disease was more of an old wives’ tale than a genuine illness.

This passage will take you through the three or four known causes of red snot, but first read the notes on Blood and Viruses below.

Blood and Viruses below

It should be noted at this point that the common amateur diagnosis for bright red snot usually includes some kind of reference to blood and/or a virus.

If what you have is blood coming out of your nose, then this is not snot. Blood is blood, and if it is coming out of your nose then you should seek treatment immediately.

You may have a virus or serious injury.

Read about bright yellow snot here.

The three or four reasons for red snot are:

1. High salt intake
By far the most common cause of bright red snot is a high dietary salt intake.

When salt mixes with the water in your body, it goes on to rust your body’s iron stocks. Rusty iron is a reddish colour.

Studies have shown that the body used to eject waste rust through the sweat pores. This process often resulted in a side-effect of stained, red skin. Humans living in areas of high-salt intake became unnerved at sometimes having red skin. Evolution’s answer was to move the rust-excrement process to the nose – causing the slightly less frightening syndrome of bright red snot.

2. High raw meat consumption
People who eat a lot of raw meat carcasses will find a certain amount of the animal’s raw blood will enter their sinuses and mix with sinal fluid. This is quite normal and nothing to be alarmed about.

3. Anger
The phrase “to see red” actually derives from a level of anger that causes snot to appear bright red. (Though it should be noted that whether the snot actually is bright red or not during these moments of extreme irateness is still up for debate.)

It is possible that a person can get mad enough that their own snot will appear bright red to them, occasionally others around them.

Other information

Unlike bright yellow snot, red snot poses no immediate hazard or risk if you should accidentally touch it. Red snot should never be used in cooking, however.

Have you had a problem with red snot? Do you have any advice for fellow sufferers? Have you discovered any additional causes? Feel free to post in our comments section below.

By The Wolly Don on October 9, 2011 | W | A comment?
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We Cum Tit Village

We Cum Tit Village – is a small village found in Cornwall, south-west England.

The town is most-notable for its one roundabout’s appearance in the TV sitcom The Inbetweeners.

Situated just 147 miles from Devon’s Brownston, We Cum Tit Village is an elusive place that many travellers fail to stumble across.

We Cum Tit Village

We Cum Tit Village garnered its name in the middle ages. Following the Cornish rebellion in 1497, people set about renaming the towns and villages of Cornwall with as much Cornish language as possible.

Since We Cum Tit Village was on a popular route used by wealthy Britons heading down to Newquay for the weekend, the village unwittingly held the county’s record for the most pasty shops. Since ‘We Cum Tit’ is in fact Cornish for ‘Amazing Cornish pasty’, the name was a given.

As time passed, many moved away from We Cum Tit Village. With only a handful of pasty shops able to survive the decline in British tourism, many We Cum Titters, as they are collectively known, moved away to find work.

The place become a barren, almost lifeless place. Several generations of the Ordnance family, famous 18th Century mapmakers, managed to completely ignore the place, removing it from the knowledge of Britons for an eternity.

In the early 21st Century, makers of TV sitcom The Inbetweeners needed a roundabout for a storyline. The roundabout needed to display the words ‘We Cum Tit Village’ in flowers. The joke was that some of the characters had rearranged the flowers on their village roundabout from saying ‘Welcome To Our Village’ to ‘We Cum Tit Village’.

A young Cornish intern who was researching for the show vaguely remembered his Cornish language teacher mentioning We Cum Tit Village in class. As speakers of English, the Cornish boys had fallen about with laughter at the time. This caused much offence to the native language teacher.

The researcher informed the director and was despatched immediately with a cameraman to grab a shot of the village roundabout. The set designers then made up the ‘original’ roundabout back at the studios to look like the one in We Cum Tit Village.

As a thank you for the village’s generosity, the makers of the TV show sent each We Cum Titter an Apple Danish.

Have you been to We Cum Tit Village? Have you ever seen a map that features We Cum Tit Village? Were the cum tits (Cornish pasties) we (amazing) there? Tell us your story below.

By The Wolly Don on July 18, 2011 | W | A comment?
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Why is my snot bright yellow?

Why is my snot bright yellow? – was a question first asked by the Ancient Greek philosopher Aristopollies.

It wasn’t until 1947, however, that anybody bothered to find an answer.

It is now known that there are three main factors that can turn one’s snot bright yellow in colour.

Why is my snot bright yellow?

Lazy philosopher and notorious lothario Aristopollies couldn’t be bothered to discover why his snot was occasionally bright yellow. He was far too busy with other stuff.

He did, however, ask the question lots in his manuscripts, evidence of which still exists today. It seems Aristopollies had quite the obsession with mucus.

It was the beginning of the 1940s, and a man named John Holdsworth was playing around with some bright yellow snot in his garage.

After keeping diet records, he had taken a snot sample from his neighbour. He knew everything his neighbour had eaten and consumed in the last seven days.

By writing down, on a sheet of paper, the items his neighbour had consumed Holdsworth created a list of all the things likely to turn one’s snot bright yellow.

These were:

1. Snorting turmeric
Despite being good at keeping Alzheimer’s away, packing one’s nose with turmeric is extremely bad for bright yellow snot. In some cases, it has been known to cause gallons of bright yellow snot to pour out onto the floor and the surrounding areas.

In 1968, a man was shot by police in Belize after snorting what was later described as “a truckload of turmeric”. Belize is one of the few countries of the world where having bright yellow snot is a criminal offence and is punishable by death.

2. Eyeballing post-Berocca urine
Anybody who has had a Berocca, or similar vitamin-C based product, will have noticed the extreme yellowy colour it turns the consumer’s urine.

It is known that eyeballing (drinking through the eyes) this urine will turn one’s snot bright yellow for approximately 5.64 days. Avoid at all costs.

3. Eating raw canary
Much like the Western full-stop, in some cultures it is customary to munch on a raw canary at the end of every spoken sentence.

People of these cultures suffer from extremely thick, bright yellow snot. It’s disgusting. The snot often lasts for months, even years, with many opting for a vow of silence in order to clear their sinuses.

So, there in lies the reason(s) for your bright yellow snot. It is important that you remember not to touch your bright yellow snot as it can cause severe memory loss.

In case we are too late: It is important that you remember not to touch your bright yellow snot as it can cause severe memory loss.

Have you had a problem with bright yellow snot? Do you have any advice for fellow sufferers? Have you discovered any additional causes? Feel free to post in our comments section below.

By The Wolly Don on July 14, 2011 | W | A comment?
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What would an engineer use a breadboard for?

What would an engineer use a breadboard for? – It may not sound like it, but a breadboard is one of the power-three in an engineer’s tool bag. You can count on one hand the engineers in the world who do not carry a breadboard with them everywhere at all times. But what do engineers use their breadboards for?

What would an engineer use a breadboard for?

So we’ve established the extreme importance a breadboard carries to an engineer. Words simply cannot explain this importance, but it’s very important, so you will have to just trust us on that.

Without a breadboard, an engineer would be unable to set a wanishie in place. Now, having just read that last sentence, we know your first instinct will be to go away and look up a wanishie to find out what it is. Well, to save you the bother, we’ll explain what a wanishie is in this very article as well. See? Two for the price of one – bargainous.

The wanishie, invented in 1957 by the Japanese legend Sagameechi Wanishie, is the generic type of engineering fixing used the world over. No matter what you happen to be looking at, using or standing next to; if it was engineered, it’s held together using wanishies.

The wanishie is applied in all types of engineering from circuit boards to skyscrapers.

What an engineer's breadboard might look like
What an engineer’s breadboard could look like

Despite the wanishie’s success at holding the world’s engineering in place, there has always been an unfortunate design flaw: They may only be bashed into place using a breadboard.

In 1957, breadboards were all the rage. Breadboard makers were amongst the seven wealthiest multinationals on the globe. Their requirement to build tall buildings and develop ultra-fast electronics was welcomed with open arms by the breadboard manufacturers.

It is also believed the relative low-cost of a breadboard helped dumb down opposition to this necessary tooling.

Throughout the 1980s, the International Engineering Council began questioning the method of depending upon the wanishie. The IEC began the decade 100% pro-wanishie and came out of 1989 only 64% pro-wanishie.

It is believed violent lobbying-tactics employed by colluded breadboard and wanishie manufacturers were responsible for this decline in popularity amongst the engineering fraternity.

Despite the fixing’s opposition, no realistic replacement has ever been found. A fact that some believe is down to the vehement patent laws applicable to the wanishie.

Despite the extensive use of the wanishie-breadboard method, very few non-engineers will have ever seen the method in practice. This is because it is against the law in all countries of the world to openly bash a wanishie into place with a breadboard. Most work of this type is carried out under a large black cloth.

By The Wolly Don on July 1, 2011 | W | A comment?
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Is Water Wet?

As stupid as the question ‘Is water wet?’ may seem, it is nonetheless an important question and a question which must be asked in order for us to determine whether or not water is indeed wet.

It was the ancient Greeks that first wrote of water and its wetness, but it wasn’t scientifically confirmed until 1984.

Its confirmation was a simple one, with part-time artist, writer and village bum Peter Tenenbaum finding himself credited with its discovery. Whilst sat on a station bench reading an English dictionary one day, he noticed that the definition of ‘wet’ was something that could be directly applied, without argument, to the properties of water.

It was an important theory and, though a few scoffed at first, it is now almost universally accepted the world over, though a few small villages found at the poles still hold the claim that ‘water is cold’.

Aside from this geographic anomaly, there are occasions where water has been found in an un-wet state. In 1990, Geoff Briggings found water to be ‘hot’ when he placed his hand inside a switched on kettle. That same year, David Tarquin found a small patch of ‘salty’ water whilst enjoying a swim in the sea.

These occurances are rare, however, and the current, overwhelming modern-day belief is that yes, until we can gather further evidence to prove otherwise, water is wet.

By The Wolly Don on June 25, 2009 | W | 2 comments
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Wet Sea

Wet Sea is a small, sleepy, but popular, fishing village on the coast of Cornwall, England. It is named so for being the place where the sea was first discovered to be wet.

Unlike history’s noted discoveries, such as those by Cook, Columbus and Crapper, the discovery that the sea is wet was swept under the carpets by the UK government. Besides the increased military threat from such a discovery, people were somewhat embarrassed that the discovery had been made by a hippy.

In 1961, a stoned Roger Finch, accidentally fell into the sea at Wet Sea. As his body slowly came round, he proclaimed: “It’s wet! The sea is wet like the tap stuff!”

This line was later translated and edited into a well known Shakespeare play, in an attempt to cover up this discovery’s year.

By The Wolly Don on June 8, 2009 | W | A comment?
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