Before you go out on the hunt for a potential cheat-cohort, be sure to read our comprehensive* guide on getting away with playing away.

Disclaimer

This guide is intended as a guide only. It is intended to help you through the process of becoming a top choice, grade A cheater.

It should be noted that being a great cheater does not lead to improved well being. In many cases the two are negatively correlated.

Use of this guide is granted on the proviso that your understanding of the above is reached.

How to get away with cheating

There are three steps to becoming a successful cheater. Follow these and you will transform yourself into an immortal Russell Brand type character.

1. Cheat

It sounds obvious when written down, but the first stage really is to complete the cheat.

You are going to struggle to get away with cheating if you have not or are not cheating. Go get some cheating done! And we don’t mean card-counting down your local casino, no, bring home some meat!

2. Protect

Your road to a successful career as a cheater is going to hit the wall prematurely if you fail to look after yourself through proper protection.

Cheating is not about the protection of others, but your good name will be ruined if word gets out about anything you’re spreading. What’s more, you could end up with all manner of complications.

In the interests of yourself, protection when cheating is key.

3.Tell

You haven’t gotten away with it if you haven’t told your partner! You’ve “done it”, you’ve “committed it”, but you haven’t truly “got away with it” until your other half knows.

If you’re keeping it from them, all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable; get it out and get away with it.

Telling will only lead to more opportunities to cheat in the long run, so get it out and enjoy more clout.

If your partner leaves you, then hard luck: You didn’t get away with cheating on this occasion. Go back to point one and try again as more opportunities present themselves.

As we recognised at he start, cheating really isn’t to be seen as a way out of a messy life situation; it’s for the person with the perfect life who wants to be taken down a peg or two.

Have you had any experience with cheating and getting away with it? Let us know your story any any tips below!

*3-stage, simplified guide

We answer both those questions, plus take a look at some case studies of recent Google Penguin victims.

How do I recover from Google Penguin?

You’re just home from work, there’s water on your front steps and last night’s anchovy pizza has been polished off. This or similar circumstances probably mean you’ve been a victim of the dreaded Penguin.

Bred in Hamilton Zoo, New Zealand in 1986, the Google Penguin is a unique type of penguin.

Standing at 4 metres high, its head is comparable in size to a Cozy Coupe car by Little Tikes. Its shriek is shrill, similar to the sound of a tsunami warning siren attempting to perform Michael Jackson’s ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’ acapella.

Another interesting point to note about the penguin is its colour: It has more than one. The very tip of the penguin’s head is blue, with the lower half red. Further down its neck, the colour is yellow, before its shoulders return the sequence to blue. Witnesses have told how it is quite a frightening penguin to run in to, especially late at night and even more so under bright neon lights.

Aside from leaving one’s steps slippery and eating up leftovers, the main result of a visit from the Google Penguin is a slump in one’s ranking on the World’s largest search engine and a resultant fall in traffic.

Don’t have a website to lose traffic on? In this case, a visit from the penguin will affect the website of your nearest neighbour.

How to recover after a visit from the Google Penguin?

Like most things in life, there is no better recipe for recovery than time. Let minutes, months and years heal your woes.

Obviously, along with time, a good clean up is recommended. Use a mop to dry the steps. Those without a mop may benefit from reading the book Mopping For Those Without A Mop.

If the penguin has left anchovy pizza everywhere, then give the floor a good wipe too. Use an antibacterial spray to scrub it clean. This will ensure a speedy recovery.

Website-wise, common advice out there includes shutting your website down and starting a new one. A simple shift of domain from your domain.com to yourdomain1.com is sufficient to constitute starting over. Your customers will hardly know the difference!

Another option is to continue as-is and just build up again. But that can be quite depression-inducing.

Obviously, if you have no website, simply deny you had a visit from the penguin and go about your daily business as normal so not to draw attention to yourself.

There is currently no confirmed preventative measures you can take against a guest appearance from ol’ pengy. In early 2012, however, a Christopher Robinson in Surrey, England found that leaving a glass of stale dandelion and burdock on one’s doorstep can act as a penguin deterrent.

He discovered this after a local penguin breeder suffered a breakout and lost several newborns. Robinson found that, with a glass out the front of his house, none of the escaped penguins came near his house, despite the fact he lived less than 80 miles from the breeder’s house.

Have you suffered a visit from the Google Penguin? Have you discovered a deterrent? Share your advice below!

Many businesses these days opt to release new products under the guise of an entrepreneur. Research shows the public are ten to a hundred-time more receptive to the “poor-man-done-good” story that sits with an entrepreneur than they are to large conglomerates swallowing everything whole and releasing new products left, right and centre. A business plan aid can help your entrepreneur make great decisions, as well as look and sound the part in the media.

The history of business plan aids

There are several business plan aids on the market today. Entry level models provide basic direction, economic guidance, elasticity calculators and a version of Paper, Scissors, Rock for those all-important deal decisions.

The more-advanced business plan aids manage to incorporate real-time stock information, Magic 8-ball for determining one’s future and a competition bugging, allowing you to listen live to your competitor’s boardroom affairs.

Contrary to popular belief, business plan aids were not an offshoot of hearing aids, but were invented by a former MI5 developer who had found work on set for the Bond movie A View To A Kill. The anonymous creator soon left work on the movie when he realised the potential for his invention if applied on Wall Street.

How would a business plan aid an entrepreneur?

Business plan aids essentially work on the premise that they are easy to fit, easy to use and hard to stuff up. All information is provided in audio-format, through the wearer’s ear.

When plan-aiding an entrepreneur, simply select the business plan aid that is right for your budget.

It is important that the entrepreneur you have chosen to represent your company’s new arm is able to talk-the-talk and your new business plan aid is going to get them doing just that!

Try to ask your entrepreneur questions like “Do you need aid-plan logging or will your own memory suffice?”, “Who are the potential competitors for this project and will they be worth listening in to?” and “Do you prefer Paper, Scissors, Rock or Magic-8 for difficult decisions?”.

A look through the features of the business plan aid you are planning to purchase will then help you arrive at the correct model for your needs.

Order, await its arrival, take a quick glance at the instructions and you’re away. You’ll be top of the tree by lunch!

Have you had any experiences with business plan aids? Are there models you can’t recommend? Is spying on your competition unethical? We’d love to hear your thoughts below.

As scientists studied the moss-coloured mush, however, they realised there was more to the colour of poop than they first thought.

Why does poop turn green?

As Professor Ron Maecefaker watched the world’s first laboratory grown poop take shape in the petri-dish, he realised there was a lot of paperwork to follow his growth.

No one had grown poo before. We’ll re-phrase that: No one had grown poo outside of the body before.

Maecefaker had wanted to study excrement his entire life. His parents recall gleefully his many encounters with the stuff as a child. His future was cemented by his willingness to explore his own nappies growing up.

Laughed out of the careers advice room, Maecefaker studied hard to become a doctor. Upon graduation, he created the Poop Architecture Research Project (PARP) with the aim of finding out everything there is to know about the world’s favourite taboo.

PARP’s first theory established that the smell of poop has nothing to do with the types of food eaten prior to the poop taking place. What Maecefaker’s PARP realised was that poop stench was more inclined to follow the memory of a person. More precisely: The smells in the person’s memory.

It was 1989, three years and four months since the first green poop sighting and PARP were working hard on poop colour research. The work required that PARP grow their own poop, and attempt to control its colour in the growth process.

No matter how hard Professor Maecefaker tried, his poop would consistently grow in gold. He could not grow another colour, not even the more traditional brown. His assistant, Dr. Anna Condaguts, tried, and could only grow her poop in red. Sportscar red.

After allowing a third person to grow their own poop, a student doctor named Kim Tharim, PARP stumbled upon its answer: Coloured poop was determined by the creator’s choice in automobile colour.

Professor Maecefaker drove a gold Ford Cortina, Dr. Condaguts a red Porsche 944 and the intern walked to work, hence his poop just came out regular brown.

The study blew the poop-world apart, sending shockwaves around the globe.

To this day, most poop is still brown, the way it’s always been, but on occasions when poop comes out coloured or changes colour, the colour is determined by the car colour of the creator.

Our advice for those concerned about the colour of their poop is to see a doctor and ensure you have a sensible car colour.

Have you ever suffered from green poop? Yellow poop? Red poop? Blue poop? Tell us your story below.

In total, a thoughtful 37,392 people have asked the question “do gingers have souls?”

Do gingers have souls?

Ancient Indian thinker Arshdeep Raj is the first known human to have penned the question “do gingers have souls”? His brother, Malkpalk, had just a day earlier devised the idea of human souls and was busy indoctrinating the idea to the village.

Arshdeep, however, had always been more interested in the ingredients of his mother’s cooking than humans. He was just 6 years old when he first dissected a capsicum and inspected the contents to see exactly how it worked. He was greatly interested in vegetable spirituality.

At the age of 19, he released his first work: Divine Edibles. It was a title that placed him firmly down as one of history’ great thinkers.

Arshdeep theorised that gingers were indeed soulful entities. He measured the energies emitted when a ginger root was chopped and discovered that powerful soul-like electricities were present in the air particles in immediate proximity to the tasteful chopped rhizome.

Despite a consistent opposition to Raj’s work, nobody has been able to disprove his theory and it is to this day generally accepted that gingers do have souls.

In 2001, a school in small-town Brazil was shut down permanently after an assignment was set that requested students attempt to disprove Arshdeep’s theory. Parents rallied against the experiment, mainly due to the sheer number of gingers due to be slaughtered in the process.

Have you ever found a soulless ginger? What was your experience of this supposed soulless ginger? Let us know your thoughts on whether gingers have souls below.

A number of studies have now concluded that there are an additional three or four reasons why one’s snot may appear bright red.

Why is my snot red?

It is generally well accepted now that Rudo’s Disease was more of an old wives’ tale than a genuinely illness.

This passage will take you through the three or four known causes of red snot, but first read the notes on Blood and Viruses below.

Blood and Viruses below

It should be noted at this point that the common amateur diagnosis for bright red snot usually includes some kind of reference to blood and/or a virus.

If what you have is blood coming out of your nose, then this is not snot. Blood is blood, and if it is coming out of your nose then you should seek treatment immediately.

You may have a virus or serious injury.

Read about bright yellow snot here.

The three or four reasons for red snot are:

1. High salt intake
By far the most common cause of bright red snot is a high dietary salt intake.

When salt mixes with the water in your body, it goes on to rust your body’s iron stocks. Rusty iron is a reddish colour.

Studies have shown that the body used to eject waste rust through the sweat pores. This process often resulted in a side-effect of stained, red skin. Humans living in areas of high-salt intake became unnerved at sometimes having red skin. Evolution’s answer was to move the rust-excrement process to the nose – causing the slightly less frightening syndrome of bright red snot.

2. High raw meat consumption
People who eat a lot of raw meat carcasses will find a certain amount of the animal’s raw blood will enter their sinuses and mix with sinal fluid. This is quite normal and nothing to be alarmed about.

3. Anger
The phrase “to see red” actually derives from a level of anger that causes snot to appear bright red. (Though it should be noted that whether the snot actually is bright red or not during these moments of extreme irateness is still up for debate.)

It is possible that a person can get mad enough that their own snot will appear bright red to them, occasionally others around them.

Other information

Unlike bright yellow snot, red snot poses no immediate hazard or risk if you should accidentally touch it. Red snot should never be used in cooking, however.

Have you had a problem with red snot? Do you have any advice for fellow sufferers? Have you discovered any additional causes? Feel free to post in our comments section below.

Situated just 147 miles from Devon’s Brownston, We Cum Tit Village is an elusive place that many travellers fail to stumble across.

We Cum Tit Village

We Cum Tit Village garnered its name in the middle ages. Following the Cornish rebellion in 1497, people set about renaming the towns and villages of Cornwall with as much Cornish language as possible.

Since We Cum Tit Village was on a popular route used by wealthy Britons heading down to Newquay for the weekend, the village unwittingly held the county’s record for the most pasty shops. Since ‘We Cum Tit’ is in fact Cornish for ‘Amazing Cornish pasty’, the name was a given.

As time passed, many moved away from We Cum Tit Village. With only a handful of pasty shops able to survive the decline in British tourism, many We Cum Titters, as they are collectively known, moved away to find work.

The place become a barren, almost lifeless place. Several generations of the Ordnance family, famous 18th Century mapmakers, managed to completely ignore the place, removing it from the knowledge of Britons for an eternity.

In the early 21st Century, makers of TV sitcom The Inbetweeners needed a roundabout for a storyline. The roundabout needed to display the words ‘We Cum Tit Village’ in flowers. The joke was that some of the characters had rearranged the flowers on their village roundabout from saying ‘Welcome To Our Village’ to ‘We Cum Tit Village’.

A young Cornish intern who was researching for the show vaguely remembered his Cornish language teacher mentioning We Cum Tit Village in class. As speakers of English, the Cornish boys had fallen about with laughter at the time. This caused much offence to the native language teacher.

The researcher informed the director and was despatched immediately with a cameraman to grab a shot of the village roundabout. The set designers then made up the ‘original’ roundabout back at the studios to look like the one in We Cum Tit Village.

As a thank you for the village’s generosity, the makers of the TV show sent each We Cum Titter an Apple Danish.

Have you been to We Cum Tit Village? Have you ever seen a map that features We Cum Tit Village? Were the cum tits (Cornish pasties) we (amazing) there? Tell us your story below.

It is now known that there are three main factors that can turn one’s snot bright yellow in colour.

Why is my snot bright yellow?

Lazy philosopher and notorious lothario Aristopollies couldn’t be bothered to discover why his snot was occasionally bright yellow. He was far too busy with other stuff.

He did, however, ask the question lots in his manuscripts, evidence of which still exists today. It seems Aristopollies had quite the obsession with mucus.

It was the beginning of the 1940s, and a man named John Holdsworth was playing around with some bright yellow snot in his garage.

After keeping diet records, he had taken a snot sample from his neighbour. He knew everything his neighbour had eaten and consumed in the last seven days.

By writing down, on a sheet of paper, the items his neighbour had consumed Holdsworth created a list of all the things likely to turn one’s snot bright yellow.

These were:

1. Snorting turmeric
Despite being good at keeping Alzheimer’s away, packing one’s nose with turmeric is extremely bad for bright yellow snot. In some cases, it has been known to cause gallons of bright yellow snot to pour out onto the floor and the surrounding areas.

In 1968, a man was shot by police in Belize after snorting what was later described as “a truckload of turmeric”. Belize is one of the few countries of the world where having bright yellow snot is a criminal offence and is punishable by death.

2. Eyeballing post-Berocca urine
Anybody who has had a Berocca, or similar vitamin-C based product, will have noticed the extreme yellowy colour it turns the consumer’s urine.

It is known that eyeballing (drinking through the eyes) this urine will turn one’s snot bright yellow for approximately 5.64 days. Avoid at all costs.

3. Eating raw canary
Much like the Western full-stop, in some cultures it is customary to munch on a raw canary at the end of every spoken sentence.

People of these cultures suffer from extremely thick, bright yellow snot. It’s disgusting. The snot often lasts for months, even years, with many opting for a vow of silence in order to clear their sinuses.

So, there in lies the reason(s) for your bright yellow snot. It is important that you remember not to touch your bright yellow snot as it can cause severe memory loss.

In case we are too late: It is important that you remember not to touch your bright yellow snot as it can cause severe memory loss.

Have you had a problem with bright yellow snot? Do you have any advice for fellow sufferers? Have you discovered any additional causes? Feel free to post in our comments section below.

The pilot, pleased to see them, replied “I don’t bloody know. But I’m so happy I’m gonna buy you a gallon of milk each and watch you bloody try!”

Is it impossible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour?

The Cruxes Four were a late 1960′s Antarctic expedition party. Setting off in the fall of 1968, the troupe consisted of Dave Thornton as leader, Nigel Lamington as navigator, Barry Somers as chef and Maureen Diochovsky as mum.

The expedition set-off to relatively little media interest. Leaving Invercargill, in southernmost New Zealand, in a small speedboat, it is said the quartet were obviously and completely unprepared for their trip; the lack of news coverage was later blamed for not raising this issue with the party.

In fact, even while en route to Antarctica, their small vessel ran out of fuel three times. They drifted most of the way to world’s southern continent.

Upon arrival, the party’s freeze-dried noodle stock dwindled within hours. What had not been taken into account during planning was Lamington’s former status as county Pot Noodle eating champion. As soon as he caught sight of the noodle packs in Maureen’s satchel, they were gone.

The crowd waddled around aimlessly and food-less for a few days. Chef Barry Somers, who was present on the trip as part of his prize for winning reality TV show ‘Top Chef 1968′, hit upon the genius idea of melting the ice in his hands to provide the others with drinking water. It is said this brainwave from Somers saved the lives of his colleagues.

It has been well-documented that the milky-white colour of the snow often causes delirious explorers to dream of milk. In fact, it is believed that the early colonisers of the Milky Way suffered from the same delirium – a phenomenon that led to its naming as such.

Interviews with the Cruxes Four in recent years have revealed that the group conversation revolved solely around the subject of milk only eight hours into their jaunt.

During a television interview with Lamington, it was established that the stricken group discussed everything about milk that has ever been discussed and more.

Gathering the snow up, many of the expedition members began to believe it was milk. They set about trying to drink a gallon of it, initially without time-limit, but soon began experimenting with an hour limit. Apparently Somers came close, managing to drink a gallon of the faux-milk in 71 minutes.

Diochovsky’s diary later revealed that these were times of extreme hilarity. All four were rolling in the snow in hysterics. The entire party were chanting “Is it impossible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour?” over and over.

Since the rescue, both Thornton and Lamington have succeeded in drinking a gallon of milk in under an hour. In 2007, Lamington was featured on a recent episode of ‘Where Are They Now?’ in which he was shown ‘requiring’ a gallon of milk per day just to remain in a good mood.

What would an engineer use a breadboard for?

So we’ve established the extreme importance a breadboard carries to an engineer. Words simply cannot explain this importance, but it’s very important, so you will have to just trust us on that.

Without a breadboard, an engineer would be unable to set a wanishie in place. Now, having just read that last sentence, we know your first instinct will be to go away and look up a wanishie to find out what it is. Well, to save you the bother, we’ll explain what a wanishie is in this very article as well. See? Two for the price of one – bargainous.

The wanishie, invented in 1957 by the Japanese legend Sagameechi Wanishie, is the generic type of engineering fixing used the world over. No matter what you happen to be looking at, using or standing next to; if it was engineered, it’s held together using wanishies.

The wanishie is applied in all types of engineering from circuit boards to skyscrapers.

_{What an engineer’s breadboard could look like}

Despite the wanishie’s success at holding the world’s engineering in place, there has always been an unfortunate design flaw: They may only be bashed into place using a breadboard.

In 1957, breadboards were all the rage. Breadboard makers were amongst the seven wealthiest multinationals on the globe. Their requirement to build tall buildings and develop ultra-fast electronics was welcomed with open arms by the breadboard manufacturers.

It is also believed the relative low-cost of a breadboard helped dumb down opposition to this necessary tooling.

Throughout the 1980s, the International Engineering Council began questioning the method of depending upon the wanishie. The IEC began the decade 100% pro-wanishie and came out of 1989 only 64% pro-wanishie.

It is believed violent lobbying-tactics employed by colluded breadboard and wanishie manufacturers were responsible for this decline in popularity amongst the engineering fraternity.

Despite the fixing’s opposition, no realistic replacement has ever been found. A fact that some believe is down to the vehement patent laws applicable to the wanishie.

Despite the extensive use of the wanishie-breadboard method, very few non-engineers will have ever seen the method in practice. This is because it is against the law in all countries of the world to openly bash a wanishie into place with a breadboard. Most work of this type is carried out under a large black cloth.