What happens if you don’t poop when you need to? – A bloody good question, mate!
The truth is, any one of 19 things can happen if you fail to drop logs when your body requests you to. Some people find it enables them to see dead people, while others find it can turn the opaque (white part) of their eyes yellow.
There are even some cases where people have suffered as a result of close friends and relatives failing to pass stools when asked to. We’ll address this later in our explanation.
So, what happens if you don’t number 2 when you need to?
The first scientific concept you must understand here is that of ‘matter’: Why does it matter?
It can matter because stools are stuff, they are physical and real, and have to go somewhere, right? Not passing them on when it is their time to go can be like filling a mine with water and not allowing the water to run off anywhere. What do you get? Right! A flooded mine.
Using this flooded mine analogy, we can see that hoarding one’s turds can only be bad for business.
So, what are these 19 things that can happen?
To be honest, although we said 19 at the start, you can disregard the first three as myth. They aren’t complete bollocks, but they’re definitely not worth worrying about. Much. (Disclaimer: If your fingertips begin to turn green, you should definitely see a doctor. Not your doctor, just a doctor.)
The second two are pretty serious. If these happen to you, it’s straight to the emergency department, no questions. Limbs can be reattached fairly easily these days, so get there nice and quick. Take ice.
The sixth issue you might experience, oddly enough, given the title of that movie, involves being able to see dead people. While this sounds cool on the face of it, many a naive fool has purposefully brought this sense on, before realising actually how bloody freaky it is. Many come close to suicide, before realising that it’s just a simple poo they require to lose the power.
Issue number seven is a relatively quiet one in that it simply puts the non-pooer to sleep. For up to ten years. Sleepers wake to find themselves believing in an entirely different life to the one they fell asleep to. This often leads to much disappointment upon awakening as sufferers of this issue are usually losers.
It should be noted at this point the very few sufferers will suffer the entire set. Serial collectors have been known to try, but very few have ever succeeded. Should you succeed, you must write to the Guinness Book Of Records immediately.
The eighth and ninth woes usually co-occur. Stomach cramps will force the victim to the floor, where he’ll wince in pain and wish he wasn’t writhing around on the floor like a complete trog.
As the wishes grow stronger, the poo-keeper will lose the ability to speak properly, finding their vocal chords to barely manage to mimic the sound of a barking dog.
Known as the barking dog effect, here issues usually wear off once the doggy imitator has been taken for a walk and done a little poo in the long grass.
Problems ten, eleven and twelve can be ignored. They only affect 20% of the population, so, being a minority, we didn’t get the funding to write about them.
Thirteen, unlucky for some is “ye olde yellow eye”. Within seconds of you ignoring one of nature’s most basic of urges, the opaque (white bit) of your eyes will begin to tinge yellow. At this point you must ward anyone else in the room off: the yellowing is contagious. You mustn’t even see a doctor while this is going on, since a doctor with yellow eye only results in lots of patients also with yellow eye. Get rid of it yourself.
The next problem that is likely to occur, if you ignore your vital signs, is more of an issue for those around you. Few people are aware of the body’s telekinetic abilities, especially since these are ancient powers that modern man has opted to give up so that he may live a more respectful and honest life with others.
Telekinesis, the movement of objects using the mind, is still practiced by certain parts of the human body, particularly the bowels. These wondrous little instruments of mischief have the ability to lodge a log in any other bowels they choose. And they will.
The minute they get sick of holding a piece of poo, they try to chuck it somewhere else; pretend it doesn’t it exist. Just like you or I would.
Potential problem number 15, then. Oh my gosh, this is a bad one! It…
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And that is why you should never dress in fur on a Sunday.
Have you had any of these problems after not pooping when asked to? Are you regular? Would you share your stool story, poo pun or arse anecdote below? Thought not.