financial crisis Archives -

98% of world’s money doesn’t really exist, admit banks

- “We’ve literally been making money,” admits world’s top banking woman
- Police wonder who to arrest
- Bank employees question whether they actually got paid

Anger has been rife outside every bank branch in the world, following the head honcho’s admission that just about all of the world’s money is imaginary.

98% of world’s money doesn’t really exist

In a stunning admission, the boss of all the world’s banking outlets has confirmed that 98% of the world’s money doesn’t really exist. Only 2% of all money is really real.

world's money doesn't really exist

98% of the world’s money doesn’t really exist, confirmed banks last night

Speaking to a packed press conference last night, the CEO of all banks ever unfurled the truth about money.

“Its time we came clean. The lie has become unsustainable. We’ve literally been making money,” confessed the tearful leader.

“It was like we had a ‘licence to print money’, only, because of the internet, we didn’t even have to hit ‘print’!.”

“How has this worked out?” asked a baffled journalist from the Times in London.

“We’re just a giant Ponzi scheme!” the monetary leader bawled.

“Computers have made it very easy for us to lend money that’s on loan to us from somewhere else,” she sobbed, “each time it gets re-loaned, we make up a number to add to our profit and type it into the computer. Then our share value rises, along with our ability to borrow more.”

“We have been refinancing financed finance for decades. Our profits go up, but not one of us ever actually produces something. Except brochures, sometimes we print some brochures to have in our stores.”

The astonishing announcement has left finance commentators red-faced for not seeing it sooner. US President Barack Obama also looked decidedly uncomfortable after the announcement and 18 presidential advisers responsible for monetary policy were fired on the spot.

WollyDong understands the president asked his staff if the revelation meant America’s GDP was a fraudulent figure. If the US removed banking and finance sectors from its GDP totals, it would fall below several Middle Eastern nations in the league table – a likely source of huge embarrassment for North America’s second-largest nation.

But it’s not just anguish for the US, with many modern nations now depending on banking as their primary tertiary industry.

The United Kingdom has reported people queuing in their thousands at every cash machine as they try to get some real money back; Greece has put its hand up and says it now understands where all its problems came from; while the Channel Island of Jersey just sank into the sea.

The world’s police are investigating the matter, though they are currently pondering who to arrest. Many governments last night rushed through a law change to dictate banks may trade only in bank notes, with the future of electronic bank transactions looking shaky.

The news has left millions of bank employees around the world “distraught and upset” as they question the validity of their salaries and bonuses.

Johnny, who wanted only to be known as ‘Johnny’, told us the bank he works for has been paying him $125,000 a year for the last three years.

“I never, ever saw a penny of it,” he exclaimed, “it was all paid electronically into my account every month. Plus bonuses. I’ll be damned if any of it was really real!”

Another, Sue, tried withdrawing her entire $106,000 salary this morning, only for the cash machine to deny the transaction.

“My salary isn’t real! It’s fake. I tried to get mine in something tangible and got denied,” she called at 3am to tell us, “these bloody banks have got some explaining to do!”

By The Wolly Don on April 2, 2013 | B, M | A comment?
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Cyprus resorts to Open Piggy Bank Resolution to pay back crisis debt

- Thousands of children’s piggy banks smashed overnight “by thugged up bailiffs”

- Children seen stashing coins in treehouses, dens, garden tee-pees and wendy houses

- Debt collectors admitted to hospital after cutting hands on glass savings banks

Cyprus last night averted a national meltdown, and some embarrassing mocking from fellow-Mediterranean country Greece, as government officials raided thousands of children’s piggy banks for desperately needed funds.

The small island state was urgently attempting to raise the €1 billion fee required for leaders of the eurozone to even consider attending a meeting – it turned to the Open Piggy Bank Resolution as a last resort.

Open Piggy Bank Resolution

Cyprus was praised for taking “swift and appropriate action” against young savers whose actions of “squireling away too much money” had brought about the near-collapse of the small nation

The water had previously been tested with the adults and their grown-up banks, but the result was mass-demonstrations and a lot of anger, meaning the Cypriot government was forced to find a softer alternative.

“We figured that the children of this country are the ones who are going to benefit most from saving the economy of this country, so why shouldn’t they pay?” said Finance Minister Michalis Sarris to media.

“I mean, what would they rather have: A shiny new bike now or a job when they finish their military service?”

The raids on kids’ savings began at midnight when thousands of government-employed bailiffs in secure vehicles began patrolling the streets, knocking door to door.

Each collector wore a thug-like outfit and carried a baseball bat, though it is understood these were intended merely as an aid to smashing old-style china piggy banks.

Kostas Cornaro, a young saver aged only about 13, estimates he gave up €1,000 to help secure himself and his friends a brighter future.

“They came, all dressed in balaclavas and black clothes, into my room in the middle of the night,” he told us at WollyDong.

“But I wasn’t scared. If anything, I was delighted to be helping out. What child doesn’t want to grow up, get a job and be able to say ‘I helped all this happen when I was young’?”

Some children, however, have not taken to the forced taxation so easily. A local 15-year-old, who asked not to be named, showed us round his garden and said “I have around €300 stashed in that tyre swing over there. And in that pond there is a 3-litre soft drink bottle; that I think I crammed €200 in coppers into. Don’t tell anyone, though, please.”

Three police officers were arrested in Latsia after it was alleged they were helping kids hide coins in a local community tree-house, for a small fee.

With no money in government coffers, it is unclear how the collectors are being funded, although a source told us that ministers agreed to take a temporary 1% salary cut in order to see the resolution reach resolution.

A thick Yorkshire accent and the words “I cut me bloody hand on that last one. And all for only five Euro, too!” were all we heard when we approached one collector.

Nicosia General Hospital has reported treating a number of collectors with wounds sustained from the smash ‘n’ grab policy. None were serious.

British Prime Minister David Cameron praised the extensive efforts by Cyprus to stay on track.

“This is swift and appropriate action, I am impressed,” he said from his March holiday with his family in Hawaii, “any member of society squireling away too much money only keeps it from those who deserve it most.”

“I’ve said it time and time again: We’re all in this together.”

By The Wolly Don on March 23, 2013 | B, C | A comment?
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