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What happens if you don’t poop when you need to?

What happens if you don’t poop when you need to? – A bloody good question, mate!

The truth is, any one of 19 things can happen if you fail to drop logs when your body requests you to. Some people find it enables them to see dead people, while others find it can turn the opaque (white part) of their eyes yellow.

There are even some cases where people have suffered as a result of close friends and relatives failing to pass stools when asked to. We’ll address this later in our explanation.

So, what happens if you don’t number 2 when you need to?

The first scientific concept you must understand here is that of ‘matter’: Why does it matter?

It can matter because stools are stuff, they are physical and real, and have to go somewhere, right? Not passing them on when it is their time to go can be like filling a mine with water and not allowing the water to run off anywhere. What do you get? Right! A flooded mine.

Using this flooded mine analogy, we can see that hoarding one’s turds can only be bad for business.

So, what are these 19 things that can happen?

To be honest, although we said 19 at the start, you can disregard the first three as myth. They aren’t complete bollocks, but they’re definitely not worth worrying about. Much. (Disclaimer: If your fingertips begin to turn green, you should definitely see a doctor. Not your doctor, just a doctor.)

The second two are pretty serious. If these happen to you, it’s straight to the emergency department, no questions. Limbs can be reattached fairly easily these days, so get there nice and quick. Take ice.

The sixth issue you might experience, oddly enough, given the title of that movie, involves being able to see dead people. While this sounds cool on the face of it, many a naive fool has purposefully brought this sense on, before realising actually how bloody freaky it is. Many come close to suicide, before realising that it’s just a simple poo they require to lose the power.

Issue number seven is a relatively quiet one in that it simply puts the non-pooer to sleep. For up to ten years. Sleepers wake to find themselves believing in an entirely different life to the one they fell asleep to. This often leads to much disappointment upon awakening as sufferers of this issue are usually losers.

It should be noted at this point the very few sufferers will suffer the entire set. Serial collectors have been known to try, but very few have ever succeeded. Should you succeed, you must write to the Guinness Book Of Records immediately.

The eighth and ninth woes usually co-occur. Stomach cramps will force the victim to the floor, where he’ll wince in pain and wish he wasn’t writhing around on the floor like a complete trog.

As the wishes grow stronger, the poo-keeper will lose the ability to speak properly, finding their vocal chords to barely manage to mimic the sound of a barking dog.

Known as the barking dog effect, here issues usually wear off once the doggy imitator has been taken for a walk and done a little poo in the long grass.

Problems ten, eleven and twelve can be ignored. They only affect 20% of the population, so, being a minority, we didn’t get the funding to write about them.

Thirteen, unlucky for some is “ye olde yellow eye”. Within seconds of you ignoring one of nature’s most basic of urges, the opaque (white bit) of your eyes will begin to tinge yellow. At this point you must ward anyone else in the room off: the yellowing is contagious. You mustn’t even see a doctor while this is going on, since a doctor with yellow eye only results in lots of patients also with yellow eye. Get rid of it yourself.

The next problem that is likely to occur, if you ignore your vital signs, is more of an issue for those around you. Few people are aware of the body’s telekinetic abilities, especially since these are ancient powers that modern man has opted to give up so that he may live a more respectful and honest life with others.

Telekinesis, the movement of objects using the mind, is still practiced by certain parts of the human body, particularly the bowels. These wondrous little instruments of mischief have the ability to lodge a log in any other bowels they choose. And they will.

The minute they get sick of holding a piece of poo, they try to chuck it somewhere else; pretend it doesn’t it exist. Just like you or I would.

Potential problem number 15, then. Oh my gosh, this is a bad one! It…

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And that is why you should never dress in fur on a Sunday.

Have you had any of these problems after not pooping when asked to? Are you regular? Would you share your stool story, poo pun or arse anecdote below? Thought not.

By The Wolly Don on July 3, 2012 | P, W | A comment?
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Why does poop turn green?

Why does poop turn green? – An issue that has stumped mankind since 1986, the year that faeces first turned green.

Initially, the changing diet of humans was blamed for the emerald-like excrement, an obviously place to blame in the first instance.

As scientists studied the moss-coloured mush, however, they realised there was more to the colour of poop than they first thought.

Why does poop turn green?

As Professor Ron Maecefaker watched the world’s first laboratory grown poop take shape in the petri-dish, he realised there was a lot of paperwork to follow his growth.

No one had grown poo before. We’ll re-phrase that: No one had grown poo outside of the body before.

Maecefaker had wanted to study excrement his entire life. His parents recall gleefully his many encounters with the stuff as a child. His future was cemented by his willingness to explore his own nappies growing up.

Laughed out of the careers advice room, Maecefaker studied hard to become a doctor. Upon graduation, he created the Poop Architecture Research Project (PARP) with the aim of finding out everything there is to know about the world’s favourite taboo.

PARP’s first theory established that the smell of poop has nothing to do with the types of food eaten prior to the poop taking place. What Maecefaker’s PARP realised was that poop stench was more inclined to follow the memory of a person. More precisely: The smells in the person’s memory.

It was 1989, three years and four months since the first green poop sighting and PARP were working hard on poop colour research. The work required that PARP grow their own poop, and attempt to control its colour in the growth process.

No matter how hard Professor Maecefaker tried, his poop would consistently grow in gold. He could not grow another colour, not even the more traditional brown. His assistant, Dr. Anna Condaguts, tried, and could only grow her poop in red. Sportscar red.

After allowing a third person to grow their own poop, a student doctor named Kim Tharim, PARP stumbled upon its answer: Coloured poop was determined by the creator’s choice in automobile colour.

Professor Maecefaker drove a gold Ford Cortina, Dr. Condaguts a red Porsche 944 and the intern walked to work, hence his poop just came out regular brown.

The study blew the poop-world apart, sending shockwaves around the globe.

To this day, most poop is still brown, the way it’s always been, but on occasions when poop comes out coloured or changes colour, the colour is determined by the car colour of the creator.

Our advice for those concerned about the colour of their poop is to see a doctor and ensure you have a sensible car colour.

Have you ever suffered from green poop? Yellow poop? Red poop? Blue poop? Tell us your story below.

By The Wolly Don on April 14, 2012 | P, W | A comment?
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Eating da poo poo

‘Eating da poo poo’ is an ancient cultural practice carried out by anti-homosexuals in Uganda.

Contrary to popular belief, anti-homosexuality is an ailment that afflicts 0.27% of Ugandans, according to official records. It is not known what is the primary cause of anti-homosexuality among the Ugandan population, but a number of studies point to a range of causes from being dropped as a baby to chewing on too much plastic as a child.

Ugandan anti-homosexuality has its roots back in hunter-gatherer times. In fact, local dialectal studies have shown that Ugandan hunter-gatherers had their own lingo for identifying themselves as anti-homosexual – “Dey eat da poo poo” is a Ugandan hunter-gatherer phrase that translates exactly as “I do not like homosexuality”.

Fossil studies have shown that a Ugandan hunter-gatherer suffering from anti-homosexuality would usually follow the phrase by nibbling on a piece of their own stool.

Throughout the middle-ages, the amount of poo poo consumed by Ugandan anti-homosexuals rocketed. The practice became less of a statement and more for sustenance. By the end of the 1700s, Ugandan anti-homosexuals were consuming three full meals of their own faeces every day.

Aware of their own uniqueness amongst world-society, many Ugandan poo poo eaters found themselves driven underground. Many ran the risk of extreme persecution from other Ugandans and, in an effort to get a grip on the matter, ‘eating da poo poo’ was made illegal in Uganda in 1921.

This only served to drive the problem underground. Without proper treatment, many anti-homosexuals found themselves part of secret societies where they would congregate to ‘eat da poo poo’.

As the 20th century progressed technology, many Ugandan anti-homosexuals found that they enjoyed watching other men ‘eat da poo poo’ just as much as ‘eating da poo poo’ themselves.

Here is secret footage of a gang of Ugandan anti-homosexuals getting off on footage of two men ‘eating da poo poo’:

Anti-homosexuality is a sick disease that can upset one’s state of mind, not to mention lower one’s standard of living drastically.

Due to Uganda’s officially low-affliction rates, the government doesn’t see the problem as an issue. There are, however, countless anti-homosexuals who slip through the net each year. Many roam the streets, looking for their next fix of poo poo. Others join gangs, like the one we have just seen, and keep the illness alive in each other.

A study published in 2004 indicated that three out of five Ugandan orphans had anti-homosexual fathers and had been abandoned as a result of their poo poo addiction.

Have you been affected by anti-homosexuality? Do you suspect a friend or relative is suffering from it? Get help now!

By The Wolly Don on June 18, 2011 | E | A comment?
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Poo Off

Poo Off was a popular 1920s bathroom cleaning product. Those who were young at the time will remember the happy-go-lucky Poo Off radio adverts, comprising the lyrics:

Poo Off, off poo, cleans the poo, so you dont have to!

For much of the 1920s, it seemed that life was made for the board of Poo Off. The product was a best seller in 34 countries around the world, the company was rated top ten on the World Exchange and housewives were regularly shown on the evening news, travelling in their drones to get their hands on a bottle.

The dream ended all a bit suddenly on August 1st 1928 as Dr. Morgan Riley revealed some disturbing test results on the products. He discovered Poo Off to contain Arsenic (92%), Cadmium (5%) and water (2%). He read it on the label.

The remaining 1% was later exposed to be the gap of air found between the top of the fluid and the cap.

It was all over for Poo Off and the empire came crumbling down overnight, with several immediate lawsuits crippling the company, resulting in a bankruptcy that is still being paid for by today’s public.

By The Wolly Don on May 6, 2009 | P | A comment?
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